Sunday, December 3, 2017

Saturday, December 2, 2017

6 Years 11 Months and 2 Days into the Self Realization Journey - Back to China again

I m going back to China soon. And what have I accomplished this year so far?

Nothing. Much. I am still dependent on my parents.

Pathetic.

There is so much I need to learn about filmmaking but somehow I almost learned nothing.

I spent most of my time on the computer just watching youtube videos or AOE 2.

Even thou most of the videos i watch are about philosophy and science. I cannot discern the notion that it is no different than a bored-to-hell lazy guy that watches funny videos and drinks coco-cola.

Like my filmmaker friend Zhuang in China, i have got so much awesome resources in the west, but I utilized nothing in terms of contributing to my professional career.

What a waste.

And that film i made was such a fuck up. An pathetic conclusion to my second year in AFDA.

What you gonna do in China? Messing around with your old friends and just go to cafés and sit there listening to your crappy music? Like you always do?!

That fucking best friend my mine, Zhuang. He has probably made a feature film by now.

Are you gonna run to your mommy and daddy? Fuck you are almost 30 now.

You are a burden to Sundance.

At least the airport will give me comfort.


Wednesday, November 29, 2017

A Coworker's Ending

This is the third time i hug Curé . and is the most awkward one.

I wont work with her anymore.

I dont want to.

Watching Mr. Bean at pre-Christmas makes my heart feel at ease.

This film, a humiliating one, may well be over before a new beginning.

Going back home in 5 days, I am looking forward to it 😊


Saturday, November 25, 2017

Alone going to the Graduation Fest

I m always alone.

No one goes to the festival with me.

I m only going there to see how I am going to be humiliated by all the very professional films the third year produce.

No hard pressure on Loren, i m sure she is already stressed. So are Wesley and Sisanda.

I m just talking about my own feelings here.

And because of English and culture. I may just well sit on my seat or walk around with no one to interact with during the intermission.

How awkward and shameful.

I bought another ticket for Nicole. Jeez, she has a girlfriend. Are you an idiot?


Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Closer to the end

I fucked up again. Closer to 30 years old.

This is not good.

3 hours.

3 hours of conundrum. And anxiety.

Its killing me. I really thought my killing thought was gonna kill me. Or harming someone else.

Never again would I feel this terrible feeling anymore, just can't feed him.

Monday, November 20, 2017

6 Years, 10 Months and 20 Days into the Self Realization Journey - Where is my Awakening?

It's been this long now, as the title suggests.

I can't sleep right now, it is 10:33 pm here in South Africa. I am laying in my bed can't sleep.

I felt this urge to write whatever is in my head right now.

The words of Sadhguru still resonates in my head, he said "the awakening is the most important event in one's life, whatever things you do and whatever achievement you have accomplished in this life, they are nothing compared to the magnitude of the spiritual awakening, and it must happen to every human being, for it must be the life time goal of everyone, otherwise one's life will be a waste."

I am 29 years old now, hitting the 30 mark is of utter importance to me. I don't know what to do right now, I can't sleep, his words just keeps me awake, can I talk to someone? Sundance, perhaps? or Sandy? I don't know. But there is just this urge to.... I don't know what.... just this urge in my heart that won't let me rest.

I wish I could achieve enlightenment just right now!!

I wish I could have a true friend right now, and just be so kind to her, and love her so fully.

This feeling I have right now, it may be good in nature.

Am I frustrated at this very moment? That awakening has not happened yet? But Sadhguru's words are so fascinating, he said it "must happen to every human being"!! "One's life would be a waste if it didn't happen."

I have very mixed emotion right now. But maybe it's utter joy!!!



Monday, November 13, 2017

6 Years 10 Months and 13 Days into the Self Realization Journey

The highest point of 2017 is officially over. Not an reinvigorating one.

I am very refreshed. I am relaxed.

Waiting for that airplane to China on Dec 4th really.


Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Yolandi laughed for the first time

Yesterday, Yolandi, my driver, laughed with me for the first time, hae, that was incredible.

I said: "the two most important days of your life, the day you were born and the day you found out why."

She burst into laughter.

Its good to make someone laugh. Feels good.

After all, she looks fairly serious to me.

I am making my first directorial debut in AFDA tomorrow. Feels anxious.

It will be good.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

6 Years 9 Months and 21 Days into the Self Realization Journey - A girl asked me

All right, a girl says "she is interested in my story"....

October the 21st, 2017, approximately 9:15 am, I gotta take this seriously.

Monday, October 9, 2017

A dream about Yolanda

I had a dream two nights ago. It was about Yolanda.

I felt so different when I saw her. But I felt good too. I miss her.

Today is the new term. The last term before I go back to China.

Damn, I should have said that New Zealand thing.

Its the awkward beginning again. In school, I actually don't truly have any friends. My interaction with any of them is so awkward, I'm tired of these.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

6 Years, 9 Months and 5 Days into the Self Realization Journey - Parents photo

I got the most liked post on Facebook today.

It is a photo of my parents taken recently. I knew it would pop up everyone because I think it was by far the best photo portraying my parents. They smiled very naturally.

I got 18 likes. The last time I got this many likes was in Russia. That "first date".

I m still boring. No one really likes my activities. I romanticize over Ewa. I wish I could meet her in my life.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

To the end of the academic year

The process has truly accelerated. With "Caught By The End of the Moment", these two projects, my term project and Melissa's film project, until the completion of the two, I'll be dam!!

These two projects may be essential for my journey of enlightenment next year.


Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Ordinary life

I would go to school regularly, doesn't matter even in my holiday, feels no utter difference, i do small bits and pieces, trying to fill my day, even when I at home, its still boring thou, so no difference.

I dont complete magnificent stuff, just small ones, i feel fine going to school folding paper cranes.

Even if there is no one doing this with me.

I like my life.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

I told my mom that I was gonna be a director and that's not a joke.

6 Years 8 Months and 10 Days into the Self Realization Journey---I am going on.

Enough is enough! I am Suning Starseeker goddamn it!

From this point on, I will never give in, give in, give in, anymore....

I am gonna going in, and don't stop and never look back..... these trivial things... they are not gonna hunt me down anymore!

This film decides that.

I am so powerful and I am gonna go on------- aaaaaaaa!!!!!

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Friday, September 8, 2017

Keep working

Today the term 3 ends, but i need keep going cant stop. There is a lot to do.

6 Years 8 Months and 8 Days into the Self Realization Journey -- Will is happy

This post from Will's FB page:

"For the first time in almost my entire life, I can say I am truly happy in all aspects of my life."

Glad, he found his happiness. 

I am still searching for mine...

Monday, September 4, 2017

6 Years 8 Months and 4 Days into the Self Realization Journey---Pretty fun

I got 71 on my first screenplay draft today.

I am so happy cause this is the first time for me to get a mark above 70 for a first draft ever since I got into AFDA.

And the 30 Seconds board game was super fun as well. Me and Mbulelo was so much fun. Perfect team.

We all had an awesome writing wrap party.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

6 Years 7 Months and 26 Days into the Self Realization Journey - This Wacky Wednesday

On the 23rd, Wacky Wednesday, I forgot something to think about. which left me with a horrendous feeling. I felt this crime thought again.

Horrendous.

Uneasy.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

No one likes my idea.

No one likes my idea, I am so angry and sad....

Even for a little group icon.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Jonny's reply

Jonny said he miss me. Thats one of the best things anyone has ever said to me.

It makes me feel so good.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

No one wants to go out with me.

I want to go out places. I want to go to the movies with somebody, or a restaurant. I would feel awkward going alone, I feel eating alone at a table alone, people will look at me and think that I am a loser or there is something wrong with me. And seeing a movie alone? I have nobody to tell about the movie, I would feel embarrassed going as I feel that if somebody saw me walking in alone they would make fun of me to their friends they are in a group with.

Friday, August 4, 2017

My opportunity

I think its everyone's effort that gave me this opportunity to actually personally direct a film by myself this year.

Cause at the beginning of the year I was instructed by the Dean that I could only assist.

Thanks, everyone. Even thou you guys are not consciously aware of it.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

6 Years 7 Months and 3 Days into the Self Realization Journey----Life is beautiful

I had a awesome day today.

Cure said she is happy to work with me as a director. That i was willing to put into effort for the production. And the whole class was resonating with what Cure said that "this is going to be Suning's first written and directed film in AFDA!" Everybody applauded, I was so touched, I cant describe the emotion i felt at that time. I think I received a lot of sympathy at that time from everyone. Maybe "sympathy" is not the word, but i didn't know what everyone else was thinking, maybe they are keen to watch my film? After two years of absence?

They definitely want to see a film that is written and directed by Suning Chen.

I had a good working relationship with Cure. It feels so good to be backed up by someone since a long time ago.

I hope the rest of the group meeting went well. It's entertaining to see everyone yelling at each other but the situation was under control. The meeting wasn't as messy as everyone thought it would be. I was surprised by the turn out. Looks like my effort to gather everyone didn't get unnoticed.

Looks like every member took this seriously. A lot of responsibility involved.

Now you see why in every parliament in the world those politicians need to yell and scream at each other. The beauty of democracy. 

Its hard. I know. People have different egos and everyone can only think of the best interest for themselves. 

I enjoyed the meeting. 

The Uber driver was pretty dope. He is positive and lovely. Talks a lot. Quite amusing. He loves China so much. I guess I ll ask him for a ride next time. He is Rashid.

And the final beautiful thing is, it seems my relationship with Yolandi is healing. Guess i learned to work with her. 

Its sad. i just learnt today, that she doesn't have any children and i think she is alone and she got stabbed by someone and didn't have the money to see a doctor. I have sympathy for her.

No one can justify life by linking their happiest moments into a rosary. In particular, I cannot.

6 Years 7 Months and 2 Days into the Self Realization Journey---Narcissism

This fucking narcissism thing is dragging on my nerves!

Even Sandy says I'm a narcissist, how frustrating!

Am I not lacking any empathy?! How scary! Am I a psychopath or monster?!

I have empathy, I always do. Why do you think I cry all the time when watching movies!?

Goddamn it.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

6 Years 6 Months and 26 Days into the Self Realization Journey---The Purpose

It has never been this clear before, the realization struck me on July 26, 2017, almost one and a half years to go: my sole purpose of finishing my three-year study here in AFDA is to complete that Starseeker movie.

Until this is achieved, everything will be fine.

I am totally focused.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Friday, July 21, 2017

6 Years 6 Months and 21 days into the Self Realization Journey---Chester's death

Fucking parasite.

I have no idea how I would express my condolences to Chester Bennington's death.

It all came very sudden.

It was unbelievable. Yes, truly unbelievable. "Unbelievable" is right now the only word I could use to do it. A month ago he was performing One More Light on stage and now he's dead.

If I was his close relative I would be absolutely devastated by disbelief.

Yes, disbelief. It is not like any other kind of death where... people have a reason to die, him, he has no reason to die. Just like my symptom, when it happens, its a disbelief.

I guess its a disbelief for all his fans around the world right now.

He died on 9am July 20, 2017. He hanged himself. Unbelievable. Just imagine that scene. It was a Thursday, it was yesterday, while I was practicing for my driver's license. I guess in less than 20 hours ago.

Growing with Linkin Park's song. It was all too sudden. Linkin Park is Linkin Park because of Chester's scream. Without it, I wonder how they would go from here.

I said "I am your guardian angel" to Melissa today.

Monday, July 17, 2017

6 Years 6 Months and 17 Days into the Self Realization Journey---I am happy

I was so happy today that Melissa said to me "You are important" out of nowhere.

The way she said it makes me feel like she's my girlfriend. Even thou she wasn't.

Yes, I m important.... You should have this confidence in you, Starseeker!

And Wesley said I am of those people who create values for others! That is so awesome.

I got two essential praises in one day!!

Well, Melissa's wish already made my day. 😊

Saturday, July 15, 2017

6 Years 6 Months and 15 Days into the Self Realization Journey--Film gathering

Yis and Wesley are now my best friends in AFDA.

Again, its the same everywhere, me and two best friends, 3, is a good number, 3 in New Zealand, 3 in China, now 3 in South Africa again.

I'm grateful for that.

The film gathering is good. A hysterically funny group turnout.

Jeandre read my plot overview which is awesome. He can't describe anything more than "epic".

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

The Making Of the Dog Head

Had a very productive time today at school with Cure making the dog head together.

A sense of accomplishment. Although she did most of the work. Still just what I needed right now.

I'm happy.

Friday, July 7, 2017

6 Years 6 Months and 7 Days into the Self Realization Journey---Pasta

Today's pasta is the best pasta I ve ever cooked.

Every ingredient performs perfectly well with each other.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Saturday, June 24, 2017

6 Years 5 Months and 24 Days into the Self-Realization Journey

So I got 15 birthday wishes this year, I am so happy, thats a lot more than last year, and the year before.

In fact, this is the single highest ever since 4 or 5 years ago. I mean since 2012.

To conclude, I had a wonderful birthday this year, because of all those people, nothing fancy, just hugs and words, that makes me feel special.

Will the Journey stop by the age of 30?

Monday, June 12, 2017

Guilty - 6 years 5 months and 12 days into the Self Realization Journey

I suddenly feel guilty.

I did something bad 2 years ago. Now I suddenly realized it was really bad. After this terms project and 13 Reasons Why which are all to do with sexual harassment.

It was before I came to South Africa.

I sexually harassed a girl at the end of 2015 on a bus. And I have never mentioned this to anyone.

I said "Your legs are very sexy."

I didnt do anything physically to her. Just the words.

Does this account as sexual harassment? I think it does, according to my research.

I feel so scared. I may go to jail. Like those rapists. What if that girl killed herself?! Like in the 13 Reasons Why.

Cause i would never know what happened with her afterwards.

God, why do i feel this way after two years since the incident occurred?

Guess i was feeling high at that moment and wanted to masturbate at home. So speaking those things to a female makes me horny.

God...

Friday, June 9, 2017

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Melissa's hug

Damn, i should ve said "i love you." right after i hugged her. then everybody in the class would be like "whoooa." It would be awkward for a moment, then I would say "its spiritual love man."

Then everybody would laugh.

But i didn't. damn it.

Melissa might like it.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Melissa's class

I enjoy Melissa's class, she is my favoritest teacher in AFDA.

Just like I did when I was in middle school.

Monday, May 15, 2017

May the 15th

Dylan jokes about me being the Confucius which makes me happy.

In fact, according to today's class, screen writing is the happiest class in AFDA.

Melissa, as a teacher, cracks up pretty awesome, cant help thinking about "TimBob".

She's cute.

"In what mental state were you writing about your script?"

That was a good joke.

I ve never had such a fun class since I got into AFDA, I think everyone else felt the same.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

About vertigo---6 Years 4 Months and 2 days into the Self Realization Journey

My three weeks of vertigo is finally over, i was able to go to classes today.

It was hell.

But the unexpected always happens. An intrusive penetration of "crime" occurs again.

Just before I say hello to my classmates around the corner for the new term.

Thus, this fear of intrusive thoughts along with possible return of vertigo overwhelms me.

I must enjoy the new term.

Come on man you are not gonna get vertigo just by thinking about it!


Thursday, March 9, 2017

Mom's Birthday - 6 years and 76 days into the Self Realization Journey

Its March the 9th, my mom's birthday.

Finally, Tummy has read my script.

I was so excited of him being excited about the Starseeker Universe.

This is the second most exciting response from an individual since Dylan's.

I starred his response to my whatsapp for future reference.

Every second I was listening to his comment I was so excited just to receive this kind of praise from someone about my creative work. Someone truly resonates with this universe. This is one most important part of my life.

Ha, Suning! How'd you even think about this stuff?!

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Valentine's Day 2017 - 6 years and 53 days into the Self-Realization Journey

I met a girl today, she is born in 1998, exactly 10 years after me. Her name is Laurent. If i remember correctly.

She has OCD as well. Just like me. Especially the intrusive thoughts thing.

Makes me feel safer. Than being around other people.

I feel so contradictory in my heart that. The only reason that I am scared to ask her to be my girlfriend is that she's too fat. If there is a better word.

She asks what music i enjoy listening. which makes me feel good.

Its Valentine's Day today, I forgot to say that to her. Well, anyway...

But Sundance seems to have taken notice of my greetings... well, that makes me feel good too...

Thursday, February 2, 2017

6 Years and 41 Days into the Self Realization Journey

I am back.

In PE. Still alone. As fuck.

This "committing a crime" thought is annoying as hell.

Wonder if my new year's resolution of finding a white and blonde girlfriend in South Africa is achievable.