Monday, October 10, 2016

I saw a girl

I saw a girl at the PNP today. I was moving my trolley and I caught a glimpse of a pretty white girl.

I didn't give much thought, then at the checkout, she was behind me. I felt so excited. While the cashier was giving me changes, I deliberately turned back my head just to take a look at her face for an instant, we had eye-line match. It was good. But then i decided to use my credit on my shoppers card. So the cashier had to wait for me to get change. I thought i might do her a favor telling the cashier to serve her first. But the cashier told me to hurry up. but thats ok.

After I came back, the i did the checkout and she follows. I stopped somewhere on the way out just to wait her out, but then she came out and left as well.

Well, it was good enough for me, i felt the heartbeat anyway.

Speaking about today, the first day at school... It was depressing, again, no friends.

I felt i was a loner, I tried to get engaged in the crowd, actually, there are some particular classmates I would engage with, they are PJ, Adriaan, Krishcha, and Tristan, these four people have very distinctive vibe. Well, thats a fancy way of saying....

They wouldn't discover that I have no friends.

For other sensitive people, such as Dylan, Amy.... etc, I feel so scared that they would find out I have no friends, and it is very humiliating and its a total shameful thing to me that I have no friends.

It's simply English.

Long ago, I tried to find reasons for me not having friends, now I can be sure that my poor listening skills is the only reason that I couldn't engage conversations with people.

I feel like an outsider, sometimes its so awkward that I follow the above mentioned four people wherever they go (for example, when they stand up and leave the bench, i would stand up and leave as well) so as to acting that they are my friends,

I am so frightened of being seen alone in school. So I try every single opportunity to be with people.

Even thou I don't understand 50% of what they are saying, I still try to engage, I feel so hard and depressed. Its been almost a year now, I don't know what. When I was in Canada, it wasn't like that because the nationalities for all those students were diverse and the school was big, so people don't care whether you are alone or not, but here in AFDA its different, its small, once you are alone, people will discover that.

It's shameful for me to have no friends.

No comments:

Post a Comment