Saturday, October 29, 2016

Day 2135 into the Self Realization Journey

Something is happening.

My self-sympathy is gradually disappearing...

I can feel it.

I don't feel that intense emotion when I watch Evangelion anymore.

This might be a good thing.

I remember in 2011 when I was on that bus with that French girl. I felt so sympathetic about myself when I found out she had a boyfriend.

And also my separation with Yolanda in Nepal felt like death...

Now I am 28. So it all becomes past...

What kind of new emotions would I experience in the future?

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Yesterday was stupid.

I shouldn't have said that yesterday, that was stupid. I am so scared.

It was Day 2127 into the Self Realization Journey.

I didn't wanna to be awkward because of my English so I kept saying stuff until I said "they were grabbing my balls and I want them dead!"

That was such a stupid thing to say, it was a monologue. I hope the police don't find this and I hope they don't put me into a mental institution again or force me to go back to China.

What's the worst that can happen?

Thursday, October 20, 2016

The two girls

Lebo smokes and Cure is seen hugging her boyfriend.

Not a chance for me.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Day 2122 into the Self-Realization Journey

It's full moon tonight.

I had a best conversation today with Wesley. The best ever since I got into SA.

I had a lot of this kind of nice conversations back in NZ.

But here in SA is different, cause here not many friends.

We had this conversation about a lot of details regarding the Starseeker Universe. It's an exciting talk, I hope this can mark the beginning of something meaningful.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow with Cure. See what her move is. See if we can become friends. :)




Friday, October 14, 2016

Cure talked to me today

Cure talked to me today. I was so happy. In fact I just finished dancing outside under the moon with the lyrics from Owl City's Fireflies.

She was trying to organize a team for the 48 Hour film comp.

I don't want let her down so I started to organize a group for her.

Despite I have no friends here.


Tuesday, October 11, 2016

The Girl Next Door, again.

I really like this girl next door movie.

I really like her, this is the second post about her now.

I wish I could have a girlfriend like that. Elisha Cuthbert. Not her as now but the one in the movie.

God... I am so infatuated with her.

Monday, October 10, 2016

I saw a girl

I saw a girl at the PNP today. I was moving my trolley and I caught a glimpse of a pretty white girl.

I didn't give much thought, then at the checkout, she was behind me. I felt so excited. While the cashier was giving me changes, I deliberately turned back my head just to take a look at her face for an instant, we had eye-line match. It was good. But then i decided to use my credit on my shoppers card. So the cashier had to wait for me to get change. I thought i might do her a favor telling the cashier to serve her first. But the cashier told me to hurry up. but thats ok.

After I came back, the i did the checkout and she follows. I stopped somewhere on the way out just to wait her out, but then she came out and left as well.

Well, it was good enough for me, i felt the heartbeat anyway.

Speaking about today, the first day at school... It was depressing, again, no friends.

I felt i was a loner, I tried to get engaged in the crowd, actually, there are some particular classmates I would engage with, they are PJ, Adriaan, Krishcha, and Tristan, these four people have very distinctive vibe. Well, thats a fancy way of saying....

They wouldn't discover that I have no friends.

For other sensitive people, such as Dylan, Amy.... etc, I feel so scared that they would find out I have no friends, and it is very humiliating and its a total shameful thing to me that I have no friends.

It's simply English.

Long ago, I tried to find reasons for me not having friends, now I can be sure that my poor listening skills is the only reason that I couldn't engage conversations with people.

I feel like an outsider, sometimes its so awkward that I follow the above mentioned four people wherever they go (for example, when they stand up and leave the bench, i would stand up and leave as well) so as to acting that they are my friends,

I am so frightened of being seen alone in school. So I try every single opportunity to be with people.

Even thou I don't understand 50% of what they are saying, I still try to engage, I feel so hard and depressed. Its been almost a year now, I don't know what. When I was in Canada, it wasn't like that because the nationalities for all those students were diverse and the school was big, so people don't care whether you are alone or not, but here in AFDA its different, its small, once you are alone, people will discover that.

It's shameful for me to have no friends.

Friday, October 7, 2016

My top 10 film list

All right, this has been going on for years, just thought needed to put this down, here it is:

(In the order of importance)


  1. As it is in Heaven
  2. Sunshine
  3. Cloud Atlas
  4. Deep Impact
  5. The Interpreter
  6. The Matrix series
  7. Star Wars franchise
  8. The Social Network
  9. The Girl Next Door
  10. Chronicle 
Note: Neon Genesis Evangelion is important too, but it is not really film, although, it does have several theatrical versions but I generally consider it to be TV series.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Elisha Cuthbert - The girl of my dream

I haven't written anything for 10 days now.

I just saw this movie. The Girl Next Door. A romantic comedy, the genre I don't normally touch.

But the female lead in this film is just so lovely. The way she looks at you, so innocent...

I just wanna have a girlfriend like that, but she's 33 now, she was 21 in 2004.

So innocent and cute...