Monday, September 26, 2016

I m so jealous of her.

I'm just so jealous of her.

She's making movies. Sundance. The girl I loved.

I can't believe I am jealous of someone I love. No, maybe I didnt love her.

I am so pathetic. I am jealous of almost everyone!

She's making videos for some companies. That means she's better than me. I don't even know what ISO means or how f-stop works. Making a movie of your dream?! You might just be well over your head!!!

Everyone says she is a good director a fantastic director!! "It was a pleasure to perform for you."

I can't believe that, she is out of VFS for only two years, and now she is directing professionally, well if she is merely acting, i would feel less jealous, but she is DIRECTING!

I can't believe I feel this way!!! I am so jealous!!! God I just hate myself so much!!! I am doing nothing in the holiday,,, I am sleeping all the time and I have no girlfriend!!! I am nowhere close to my magnificent dream. I m just a fucking dreamer and making no effort in working towards my dream!

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Day 2096 - Sundance

I talked to Sundance again on the Messenger.

I felt really good when I was talking to her. But I did feel jealousy as well. But I feel jealousy wherever I go. It comes anyway.

I hope I can meet her again. She said "when you start filming, I will work on your crew:)" which is so nice. I feel instantly rejuvenated when I heard that.

"Sundance is nice. And nice is good." Thats a line i copied from Eternal Sunshine.


Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Day 2090 - Air Ticket

I got my air ticket to China.

Should be good.

An interesting beggar this morning greeted me. I thought I should give them something. So I gave him 2 Rand. He greeted me.

I felt like he was a good old man.

He said something like "All Will Pass".

Found Flight Centre in this big mall, my favorite airline ticket reseller.

3 months in advance.

Should be good.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Day 2086 - I am all alone again for the holiday.

First day of my Term 3 holiday.

Dylan and Tristan dropped me at home today. It was good.

For the holiday, I am again alone, I am always alone. I'm alone anyway.

No one to spend my holiday with. Every holiday, I either stay at home in front of my computer or go outside for a walk.

Or sleep.

There is nothing more I can do. Nothing more I should do.

My life is so uninteresting. I doubt about my time I've spent in NZ. I was positive and energetic, full of hope and passion back then.

I spent 782 rand today at the Spar. Damn, this is the largest amount I've spent single time in a supermarket since I got into SA.

Feel guilty about using my parents money for that much.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

No one is going to be interested in my songs.

No one is gonna be interested in the songs that I am listening to.

It's just my own fantasies, I have no one to share these fantasies with.

I am even insecure when Sundance posted a video. Do I really love her?

Adriaan seems to be lovely. He may be the only person in the school that I can talk to without awkwardness.

It's the awkwardness that kills Suning Starseeker.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

We have nothing in common.

I think I'm gonna stop chasing Cure now. We have nothing in common.

She doesn't watch Japanese anime, she doesn't listen to Linkin Park, she loves horror films which I don't, she's experienced in relationships, which I am not, I just can't seem to bring up anything fun to talk about together.

I give up.

Live installations for the next two days. Hope Zani is not too stressed.

Monday, September 5, 2016

Sep 5

I didn't get the chance to talk to Cure today, apparently she was late for the final review, and then she went into Ravenclaw. I really really wish to talk to her.

Sunday, September 4, 2016

A Thousand Years

"I have died every day waiting for you.
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you,
for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more."

The song is good, this is precisely what I wanna sing to a certain girl, I don't know who she is, maybe Cure, I just wish she could appear as soon as possible, cause I have been waiting all my life,

I just... couldn't wait anymore.

Saturday, September 3, 2016

I had the best dream ever.

A teacher came to my home, I don't know, she looks like a college teacher but still with the marking system as that of a middle school. She showed me and my father the grades I had in the class and it turns out it was the 17th place. I was so happy, and it was the best level I ever had in a school system, but she said she was not completely satisfied with my grade.

Oh, one thing to mention is that previously in my dream, my father was dead, and he was in a coffin, but me and my friends saw him walking us by on a staircase in my childhood school, my primary school. We mentioned why his skin wasn't all dull and cremated just like the dead people. He wasn't like someone who has been dead at least 9 days at all. And he was all happy.

And later she told me that... and my father came to listen, she said she liked that advertisement that uses blue, green, gold color, the three best complementary color of.... I then kissed her, very quickly, and I told my father to go away. But he comes back right after I closed the door, however, I finished kissing her.

She then told me, very graciously, that I have a very beautiful human nature and never lose that. I was so touched and tears almost came out of my eyes.

But I told her that I always go for girls on their looks, she said that's fine.

She wears a blue cotton shirt with a black skirt, and her hair was black and typical of a 24 year old something, Chinese school teacher. Quite pure and innocent. Not that type of innocence but a different kind.

She is a very good person. Almost a resemblance of Amy Lou or Melissa.

My dizziness is eased down now.