Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Day 2173 into the Self Realization Journey

At 15:55, Tuesday afternoon, December 6th, 2016, Day 2173 into the Self Realization Journey...

The realization seriously struck me that, for the past 9 fucking years of creating the Starseeker Universe, I haven't even figured out what exactly does Suning Starseeker do as a character!

What an irony.

What the fuck have I been doing for the past 9 years? Masturbating over horny girls?

Saturday, November 26, 2016

So lame...

I went to the movie today with Wesley and Victoria again. Fantastic Beasts. whatever that was.

Oh, Emma came. But that made no difference.

I am still alone as fuck.

I speak a different language with them.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Am I a good cinematographer?

The answer is no. I always know that. I dont even know how ISO and Fstops work.

But yesterday, Jess said I did a good DOP job on her film.

I was so amazed to hear that. I simply followed her direction on set, she did all the shot-list, I don't think I am that good a cinematographer. But it's just so nice to hear.

It was actually the happiest thing to hear that day.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Summer breeze

Its the beginning of summer now. I started to wear shorts and T-shirt.

The major film production phase of this year is over.

I actually made it to this day.

In less than a month I ll be getting out of here and head for home. Thats a good feeling.


Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Monday, November 7, 2016

Day 2144 into the Self Realization Journey

The past two days has been really wonderful for me.

I joined the 48 Hour film competition for the third time, this is in South Africa.

I didnt do much, which is typical of me. This wonderful and lovely girl Zoe, who told me if I felt "excluded". It touched my heart. Althou I was gonna say "No, I chose to be excluded, because there is nothing more I can do, I don't blame others for my exclusion." But I didnt get a chance.

God, she is only 14. But I felt like I really liked her, just like my little sister, I wish i could have a sister like her. She is very wise, sympathetic and full of empathy, for a 14-year-old.

But there was this event that makes feel horrible: I didnt manage to save her life, she was saved by Tiaan. There was a dog, actually two dogs, at Avo's house, who were trying to attack us after our filming. I felt so jealous and insecure. I was only thinking about myself, I ran away from the impeding danger so quickly, in a split of second, the only survival instinct I had was for myself.

I should be the one to save her. Luckily, she wasn't bitten. But she was frightened. But I think Tiaan got a minor bite from the dog. God, I am such a horrible person, jealous of someone who is trying to save other people's life.

Then on my way home, in Tiaan's car, I couldn't say anything, I keep thinking about this event.

She was one of the few western girls whose talking that I could actually understand. 

I was waiting for her to ask for my Facebook account. But then... it's ok.

And then, it was this aftermath of 48 Hour. I made everyone laugh, the first time in this whole year, since I got into PE. Everybody was laughing so hard. Guess the joke I made cracks up everyone. 

I felt so great, guess I was being myself, all of a sudden I felt like my value was appreciated by everyone, it was a good ending for 48 Hour competition. Maybe it was a good ending for everyone.

Then at last, while I was waiting for the taxi, me, Wesley, Victoria had a nice conversation. I was so happy, cause i was able to tell them my story about my traveling, in Afghanistan and Belarus. 

And also, Ghost in the Shell.

I haven't had this happiness for a long time.

Zoe...


Saturday, October 29, 2016

Day 2135 into the Self Realization Journey

Something is happening.

My self-sympathy is gradually disappearing...

I can feel it.

I don't feel that intense emotion when I watch Evangelion anymore.

This might be a good thing.

I remember in 2011 when I was on that bus with that French girl. I felt so sympathetic about myself when I found out she had a boyfriend.

And also my separation with Yolanda in Nepal felt like death...

Now I am 28. So it all becomes past...

What kind of new emotions would I experience in the future?

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Yesterday was stupid.

I shouldn't have said that yesterday, that was stupid. I am so scared.

It was Day 2127 into the Self Realization Journey.

I didn't wanna to be awkward because of my English so I kept saying stuff until I said "they were grabbing my balls and I want them dead!"

That was such a stupid thing to say, it was a monologue. I hope the police don't find this and I hope they don't put me into a mental institution again or force me to go back to China.

What's the worst that can happen?

Thursday, October 20, 2016

The two girls

Lebo smokes and Cure is seen hugging her boyfriend.

Not a chance for me.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Day 2122 into the Self-Realization Journey

It's full moon tonight.

I had a best conversation today with Wesley. The best ever since I got into SA.

I had a lot of this kind of nice conversations back in NZ.

But here in SA is different, cause here not many friends.

We had this conversation about a lot of details regarding the Starseeker Universe. It's an exciting talk, I hope this can mark the beginning of something meaningful.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow with Cure. See what her move is. See if we can become friends. :)




Friday, October 14, 2016

Cure talked to me today

Cure talked to me today. I was so happy. In fact I just finished dancing outside under the moon with the lyrics from Owl City's Fireflies.

She was trying to organize a team for the 48 Hour film comp.

I don't want let her down so I started to organize a group for her.

Despite I have no friends here.


Tuesday, October 11, 2016

The Girl Next Door, again.

I really like this girl next door movie.

I really like her, this is the second post about her now.

I wish I could have a girlfriend like that. Elisha Cuthbert. Not her as now but the one in the movie.

God... I am so infatuated with her.

Monday, October 10, 2016

I saw a girl

I saw a girl at the PNP today. I was moving my trolley and I caught a glimpse of a pretty white girl.

I didn't give much thought, then at the checkout, she was behind me. I felt so excited. While the cashier was giving me changes, I deliberately turned back my head just to take a look at her face for an instant, we had eye-line match. It was good. But then i decided to use my credit on my shoppers card. So the cashier had to wait for me to get change. I thought i might do her a favor telling the cashier to serve her first. But the cashier told me to hurry up. but thats ok.

After I came back, the i did the checkout and she follows. I stopped somewhere on the way out just to wait her out, but then she came out and left as well.

Well, it was good enough for me, i felt the heartbeat anyway.

Speaking about today, the first day at school... It was depressing, again, no friends.

I felt i was a loner, I tried to get engaged in the crowd, actually, there are some particular classmates I would engage with, they are PJ, Adriaan, Krishcha, and Tristan, these four people have very distinctive vibe. Well, thats a fancy way of saying....

They wouldn't discover that I have no friends.

For other sensitive people, such as Dylan, Amy.... etc, I feel so scared that they would find out I have no friends, and it is very humiliating and its a total shameful thing to me that I have no friends.

It's simply English.

Long ago, I tried to find reasons for me not having friends, now I can be sure that my poor listening skills is the only reason that I couldn't engage conversations with people.

I feel like an outsider, sometimes its so awkward that I follow the above mentioned four people wherever they go (for example, when they stand up and leave the bench, i would stand up and leave as well) so as to acting that they are my friends,

I am so frightened of being seen alone in school. So I try every single opportunity to be with people.

Even thou I don't understand 50% of what they are saying, I still try to engage, I feel so hard and depressed. Its been almost a year now, I don't know what. When I was in Canada, it wasn't like that because the nationalities for all those students were diverse and the school was big, so people don't care whether you are alone or not, but here in AFDA its different, its small, once you are alone, people will discover that.

It's shameful for me to have no friends.

Friday, October 7, 2016

My top 10 film list

All right, this has been going on for years, just thought needed to put this down, here it is:

(In the order of importance)


  1. As it is in Heaven
  2. Sunshine
  3. Cloud Atlas
  4. Deep Impact
  5. The Interpreter
  6. The Matrix series
  7. Star Wars franchise
  8. The Social Network
  9. The Girl Next Door
  10. Chronicle 
Note: Neon Genesis Evangelion is important too, but it is not really film, although, it does have several theatrical versions but I generally consider it to be TV series.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Elisha Cuthbert - The girl of my dream

I haven't written anything for 10 days now.

I just saw this movie. The Girl Next Door. A romantic comedy, the genre I don't normally touch.

But the female lead in this film is just so lovely. The way she looks at you, so innocent...

I just wanna have a girlfriend like that, but she's 33 now, she was 21 in 2004.

So innocent and cute...

Monday, September 26, 2016

I m so jealous of her.

I'm just so jealous of her.

She's making movies. Sundance. The girl I loved.

I can't believe I am jealous of someone I love. No, maybe I didnt love her.

I am so pathetic. I am jealous of almost everyone!

She's making videos for some companies. That means she's better than me. I don't even know what ISO means or how f-stop works. Making a movie of your dream?! You might just be well over your head!!!

Everyone says she is a good director a fantastic director!! "It was a pleasure to perform for you."

I can't believe that, she is out of VFS for only two years, and now she is directing professionally, well if she is merely acting, i would feel less jealous, but she is DIRECTING!

I can't believe I feel this way!!! I am so jealous!!! God I just hate myself so much!!! I am doing nothing in the holiday,,, I am sleeping all the time and I have no girlfriend!!! I am nowhere close to my magnificent dream. I m just a fucking dreamer and making no effort in working towards my dream!

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Day 2096 - Sundance

I talked to Sundance again on the Messenger.

I felt really good when I was talking to her. But I did feel jealousy as well. But I feel jealousy wherever I go. It comes anyway.

I hope I can meet her again. She said "when you start filming, I will work on your crew:)" which is so nice. I feel instantly rejuvenated when I heard that.

"Sundance is nice. And nice is good." Thats a line i copied from Eternal Sunshine.


Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Day 2090 - Air Ticket

I got my air ticket to China.

Should be good.

An interesting beggar this morning greeted me. I thought I should give them something. So I gave him 2 Rand. He greeted me.

I felt like he was a good old man.

He said something like "All Will Pass".

Found Flight Centre in this big mall, my favorite airline ticket reseller.

3 months in advance.

Should be good.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Day 2086 - I am all alone again for the holiday.

First day of my Term 3 holiday.

Dylan and Tristan dropped me at home today. It was good.

For the holiday, I am again alone, I am always alone. I'm alone anyway.

No one to spend my holiday with. Every holiday, I either stay at home in front of my computer or go outside for a walk.

Or sleep.

There is nothing more I can do. Nothing more I should do.

My life is so uninteresting. I doubt about my time I've spent in NZ. I was positive and energetic, full of hope and passion back then.

I spent 782 rand today at the Spar. Damn, this is the largest amount I've spent single time in a supermarket since I got into SA.

Feel guilty about using my parents money for that much.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

No one is going to be interested in my songs.

No one is gonna be interested in the songs that I am listening to.

It's just my own fantasies, I have no one to share these fantasies with.

I am even insecure when Sundance posted a video. Do I really love her?

Adriaan seems to be lovely. He may be the only person in the school that I can talk to without awkwardness.

It's the awkwardness that kills Suning Starseeker.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

We have nothing in common.

I think I'm gonna stop chasing Cure now. We have nothing in common.

She doesn't watch Japanese anime, she doesn't listen to Linkin Park, she loves horror films which I don't, she's experienced in relationships, which I am not, I just can't seem to bring up anything fun to talk about together.

I give up.

Live installations for the next two days. Hope Zani is not too stressed.

Monday, September 5, 2016

Sep 5

I didn't get the chance to talk to Cure today, apparently she was late for the final review, and then she went into Ravenclaw. I really really wish to talk to her.

Sunday, September 4, 2016

A Thousand Years

"I have died every day waiting for you.
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you,
for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more."

The song is good, this is precisely what I wanna sing to a certain girl, I don't know who she is, maybe Cure, I just wish she could appear as soon as possible, cause I have been waiting all my life,

I just... couldn't wait anymore.

Saturday, September 3, 2016

I had the best dream ever.

A teacher came to my home, I don't know, she looks like a college teacher but still with the marking system as that of a middle school. She showed me and my father the grades I had in the class and it turns out it was the 17th place. I was so happy, and it was the best level I ever had in a school system, but she said she was not completely satisfied with my grade.

Oh, one thing to mention is that previously in my dream, my father was dead, and he was in a coffin, but me and my friends saw him walking us by on a staircase in my childhood school, my primary school. We mentioned why his skin wasn't all dull and cremated just like the dead people. He wasn't like someone who has been dead at least 9 days at all. And he was all happy.

And later she told me that... and my father came to listen, she said she liked that advertisement that uses blue, green, gold color, the three best complementary color of.... I then kissed her, very quickly, and I told my father to go away. But he comes back right after I closed the door, however, I finished kissing her.

She then told me, very graciously, that I have a very beautiful human nature and never lose that. I was so touched and tears almost came out of my eyes.

But I told her that I always go for girls on their looks, she said that's fine.

She wears a blue cotton shirt with a black skirt, and her hair was black and typical of a 24 year old something, Chinese school teacher. Quite pure and innocent. Not that type of innocence but a different kind.

She is a very good person. Almost a resemblance of Amy Lou or Melissa.

My dizziness is eased down now.

Friday, August 26, 2016

Why do all the pretty girls have boyfriends?

According to my research online, it is true. Why is that pretty girls all have a boyfriend already?

Thursday, August 25, 2016

She has a boyfriend

Damn, Cure has a boyfriend. It was funny, I thought he was her dad.

I ve been praised for my performance today, I didn't expect that, but looks like it turned out pretty well.

Watched Amy's theatrical show tonight, I was alone, thou, always...

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Tomorrow is the shooting

Tomorrow is the shooting and I am gonna be acting in it.

Feels pretty casual because rather than directing it, which will cause me a lot of pressure and stress, acting is much more relaxed. But I don't like theater studies. I just enjoy causal acting.

I want a white girl to be my girlfriend so much. I recently read about the Facebook page of one of my past classmates in VFS, he is a Chinese, and he got a Russian girlfriend! I am so jealous.

And I am so scared. Worried that this jealousy can destroy me.

Goddamn it! Fuck!

I took a picture with the hair dresser yesterday. After I shaved my head completely for the first time.
She seems to be nice. But I doubt we have many things in common.

I feel so lonely. I so wanna have a female companionship!

Saturday, August 20, 2016

A dream about Cure

I had a dream last night. It was about Cure. She was just the same as I am.

But she smokes that's the thing.

I can't date a girl that smokes.

We had a good time in the dream. I felt I had fell in love with her. And I felt so safe.

I didn't remember exactly the details of the dream.


Friday, August 19, 2016

I was praised

I was praised today. By both my teacher and my classmates. It was so surprising that I got 70% on my group doc, and Amy told me that was the third highest in the class!

Damn, I feel like I am on top of things.

But I am still lonely thou.

But this score once confirmed my endeavor in the school of AFDA.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Day 2063 into the Self Realization Journey

So the beginning of 2016 has been reconciled. August the 18th, 2016. Everything is OK from here on now. I am going to truly experience South Africa. Not to mention tomorrow the Group Doc is going to be rewarded.

I shouldn't be put into a mental hospital or a police station or anything.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

She is so hot.

My teacher Shannon is so pretty and damn hot, I just wanna make love with her!

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

I talked to her today. Just a casual chat and there was no progress. I couldn't break it thru. I couldn't get her to be affectionate of me.

Well, apparently, they call her a "Fairy", I was absolutely astounded, because it was so true! Why did I not think of this?

So rather than a Goddess, she is a fairy. Sounds reasonable.

She is pretty, she is beautiful.

Monday, August 15, 2016

God, she's a Goddess...

I don't know what but, God, she's a Goddess, Emma.

That's her name. She has a very cute face, but different kind of cuteness. Not what you think that type of cuteness. A cuteness that's very neutral. It doesn't make you sexually attracted to her. It's just an innocent... Princess Peach.

She's tall. She has a very good shape too. I would say, a perfect shape, I haven't seen this perfect body shape in years. Yolanda was the first girl that I thought had perfect body shape. Now for Emma, it's just so perfect.

She's smiling every day, all the time... I just wish I could be the one she shares sorrows with...

I wish I could ask her if she has a boyfriend (which I asked Wesley today instead) apparently, she's seeing someone, but not a boyfriend...  

I wanna get a blonde and white girlfriend, maybe I shouldn't focus so much on people's look?

Who cares, I just wanna know more about her!

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Worried

Her name is Cure, I don't know how to put a tick on top of the letter "e". I said to her that "You don't talk much, do you?" And she doesn't respond with any words, she was just looking at me, and turns away.

I didn't wear glasses, so maybe she smiled instead, but I couldn't see it.

I feel this fear again. Fearing being hated.

But I don't think she is thinking about me otherwise, so there shouldn't be anything to worry about as I have already apologized to her about that weired complement I said on WhatsApp.

I don't like this.


Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Sundance's Words

"Our paths have crossed in such mysterious ways, I don't know where I will see you next, but I know I won't be surprised when it happens."

This is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

She is Sundance. 

In the Starseeker Universe, she is the Final Messenger to Suning.

Day 2055 into the Self Enlightenment Journey - A Reboot of the Original Blog

This is the new blog for my daily thoughts. Since I am unable to resurrect my original blog I created 5 years ago, I had to start a new one, because I feel like I needed to create a place where I can write down my thoughts freely, without restraining my self to any format.

It's been like this for quite sometime now: So many ideas and emotions started pouring in since two weeks ago. I believe this blog will be more interesting than the original one.

Yes, it is a continuation of the original blog, for anyone of you who are interested, you can still find it here:

Searching for the Sustainable Energy Source...
http://iamstarseeker.blogspot.com

But for now this is the new title for the new blog:

In Request of the Starseeker Universe

Let's continue our journey.