Sunday, December 3, 2017

Saturday, December 2, 2017

6 Years 11 Months and 2 Days into the Self Realization Journey - Back to China again

I m going back to China soon. And what have I accomplished this year so far?

Nothing. Much. I am still dependent on my parents.

Pathetic.

There is so much I need to learn about filmmaking but somehow I almost learned nothing.

I spent most of my time on the computer just watching youtube videos or AOE 2.

Even thou most of the videos i watch are about philosophy and science. I cannot discern the notion that it is no different than a bored-to-hell lazy guy that watches funny videos and drinks coco-cola.

Like my filmmaker friend Zhuang in China, i have got so much awesome resources in the west, but I utilized nothing in terms of contributing to my professional career.

What a waste.

And that film i made was such a fuck up. An pathetic conclusion to my second year in AFDA.

What you gonna do in China? Messing around with your old friends and just go to cafés and sit there listening to your crappy music? Like you always do?!

That fucking best friend my mine, Zhuang. He has probably made a feature film by now.

Are you gonna run to your mommy and daddy? Fuck you are almost 30 now.

You are a burden to Sundance.

At least the airport will give me comfort.


Wednesday, November 29, 2017

A Coworker's Ending

This is the third time i hug Curé . and is the most awkward one.

I wont work with her anymore.

I dont want to.

Watching Mr. Bean at pre-Christmas makes my heart feel at ease.

This film, a humiliating one, may well be over before a new beginning.

Going back home in 5 days, I am looking forward to it 😊


Saturday, November 25, 2017

Alone going to the Graduation Fest

I m always alone.

No one goes to the festival with me.

I m only going there to see how I am going to be humiliated by all the very professional films the third year produce.

No hard pressure on Loren, i m sure she is already stressed. So are Wesley and Sisanda.

I m just talking about my own feelings here.

And because of English and culture. I may just well sit on my seat or walk around with no one to interact with during the intermission.

How awkward and shameful.

I bought another ticket for Nicole. Jeez, she has a girlfriend. Are you an idiot?


Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Closer to the end

I fucked up again. Closer to 30 years old.

This is not good.

3 hours.

3 hours of conundrum. And anxiety.

Its killing me. I really thought my killing thought was gonna kill me. Or harming someone else.

Never again would I feel this terrible feeling anymore, just can't feed him.

Monday, November 20, 2017

6 Years, 10 Months and 20 Days into the Self Realization Journey - Where is my Awakening?

It's been this long now, as the title suggests.

I can't sleep right now, it is 10:33 pm here in South Africa. I am laying in my bed can't sleep.

I felt this urge to write whatever is in my head right now.

The words of Sadhguru still resonates in my head, he said "the awakening is the most important event in one's life, whatever things you do and whatever achievement you have accomplished in this life, they are nothing compared to the magnitude of the spiritual awakening, and it must happen to every human being, for it must be the life time goal of everyone, otherwise one's life will be a waste."

I am 29 years old now, hitting the 30 mark is of utter importance to me. I don't know what to do right now, I can't sleep, his words just keeps me awake, can I talk to someone? Sundance, perhaps? or Sandy? I don't know. But there is just this urge to.... I don't know what.... just this urge in my heart that won't let me rest.

I wish I could achieve enlightenment just right now!!

I wish I could have a true friend right now, and just be so kind to her, and love her so fully.

This feeling I have right now, it may be good in nature.

Am I frustrated at this very moment? That awakening has not happened yet? But Sadhguru's words are so fascinating, he said it "must happen to every human being"!! "One's life would be a waste if it didn't happen."

I have very mixed emotion right now. But maybe it's utter joy!!!



Monday, November 13, 2017

6 Years 10 Months and 13 Days into the Self Realization Journey

The highest point of 2017 is officially over. Not an reinvigorating one.

I am very refreshed. I am relaxed.

Waiting for that airplane to China on Dec 4th really.