Tuesday, May 22, 2018

This Fucking Mental Masturbation!

This fucking mental masturbation!! I am so sick of myself!!

I was supposed to be happy today because Mr. Wilby praised me for my film.

Yes i was happy for like, 20 mins. Then a little incident, which is fine, then after the class, it all go down hill because i couldn't finish my debate with Mr. Wilby as well as the class on how to arrange this Thursday assignment due date thing.

Then this fucking afternoon i felt so bad, and i lied in bed for like 40 mins to mentally masturbate over what the cause was.

My worst fear always come true. Cant be sustained.

These guys fucking didnt act themselves!! (Dylan, Liyema, MyMan, Mbu). I was expecting them to discuss about this but they were staring at their computer and doing fucking group docs (which was fucking due this morning!), which made me feel like i was the only one pathetically and needy to talk about Thursday assignment with Mr. Wilby.

Oh yeah, then I got jealous of Liyema's film because his film was also praised.

I was so fucking narcissistic about myself!!

So I had to come back home and mentally masturbate the same scenario over and over again. (Damn I feel exhausted and dizzy). Trying to figure out why I felt this way...

Then I listened to Awaking Hearts... which is therapeutic..but only after a successful mental masturbation is conducted.

And that Fishaway shop assistant wasnt helpful.

Damn when is Nicole gonna contact me?...

Sunday, May 13, 2018

I keep digesting

I keep rewinding Nicole's messages on WhatsApp over and over again.

Because it sounds so comforting to a broken young man like me.

Nicole is so charming. But she has a girlfriend I feel so sad that i have to restrain my feelings towards her. 

I just loved her voice so much she said i could pop into her home next week which made me feel so good. No female has ever pro-actively asked me before. 

Dylan's party last night was also good. I had a good time. If it wasnt that Uber driver I could ve gotten more high. Well ironically his name was also Dylan.

Adam and I are friends now. Dylan and I have become, maybe, close friends.

I made some connection last night which was important.

I feel so looking forward to this meeting with Nicole next week I just feel good near her.

I am anxious and depressed, she is mature, happy, joyful, compassionate, which is just what I need. But I dont want to be too needy in front of her thou. I want to further develop our friendship.

God, she is the one of the only two people i gave my Chinese knot to, the other one is Erin.

I still miss Erin, after i talked to Taylor and Adam last night, i discovered that she is a reserved and conservative person who doesnt have many friends, maybe as weired as me.

God so why can't we be together?!

"This film is dedicated to Erin." God I practice line almost every day.

Thursday, May 3, 2018

My qualities in filmmaking

So according to a nicest conversation with Mr. Wilby, I have the following good qualities:

Poetic: I seem to see the universe in a very poetic way so much so as a "romantic". My films usually involve a sense of wonder and poetic epicness.


I still have these qualities...

The Most Peaceful Night - 7 Years 4 Months and 3 Days into the Self Realization Journey

Damn, I actually realized tonight is the most peaceful night since the start of this year. And in between the ended chaotic days and the busy days to follow...

Let me enjoy tonight.

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Even Sundance

Even Sundance doesn't care to reply my messages anymore.

She must think i am so needy, and the first thing I talked to her about after 10 months was moaning and whining.

No one cares about me anymore, I have no reason to live.

Everyone thinks i am pathetic that waits for people's sympathy.

Everyday i am at AFDA i sit there in the corner watching people being happy and talking and I myself listening to those sad music...

I dont even want to use the word humiliation anymore to describe what happens today at the Picture Lock viewing.

No one agrees with me on the energy shield, not even the teachers.

The opening of this term was disastrous. Even thou i thought i could relax for not making films for a term. I guess for the next 6 months while i am at AFDA it ll just be suffering.

God Sundance, how can this be, she s my best friend. Whats wrong with that message i sent?

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Erin is gone - 7 Years 4 Months into the Self Realization Journey

Erin is gone.

We kinda dumped each other.

I didn't think she has the apparent feelings for me so it was better for me to end it.

I because I kept suffering since the start of this encounter.

That I couldn't feel her passion. Loneliness and uneasy. Makes me feel dizzy and wanna vomit.

So it was appropriate to end this.

God it was less than a month since I first saw her in the restaurant.

Well, for Suning Starseeker, no relationship was sustained long.

We were not even in a relationship, I don't think we were even friends, God, so pathetic.

What the fuck were you doing, Starseeker?

I just hope her diabetes doesn't affect her too much.

I don't know how she felt about today (except she said I was getting on her nerve) but I wish her well.

God, I thought I could go to movies with her, like the last time she agreed.... Well, I mean its over now, so Starseeker focus on your study.

I kinda feel relieved.

For what its worth, for what its worth...

Saturday, April 28, 2018

I am so pathetic

Nicole is having an anniversary celebration with her girlfriend tonight. and I am like a humiliated loser to ask for her sympathy.

I am such a loser and no one likes me. I may just die.

I am pathetic. I was a fool to have a crush on Nicole.

I am worse than a cockroach. Sorry no offense to cockroaches...

Nicole will never talk to me anymore, she maybe already sick of me..

She said I could chat to her whenever.... I was just deluding myself. That was just a flash of happiness. Non-lasting.

I am such a humiliated and pathetic loser.

The world can go on without me.

Sadness and loneliness has filled the entire Starseeker Universe.

The world is about to end.